Are You on Team Martha or Team Melania?
This year, I'm on Team "I Don't Care Too Much"
In 2018, Melania Trump was caught on tape venting about public opinion, the immigration crisis, and Christmas. She said, “I’m working … my ass off on the Christmas stuff, that you know, who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations? But I need to do it, right?”
Her obligatory Christmas display was blood red, Later, she wore an “I really don’t care jacket” from Zara. With a face engineered by Manhattan’s best surgeons, squeezed into pencil skirts and Manolo Blahniks, Melania doesn’t appear to care about a whole lot. Domesticity, Washington DC, MAGA family values, and any public policies can all go to hell. She tolerates her husband’s late-in-life career but finds this president stuff annoying, particularly when prodded to play the traditional wife.
While all the men in my substack feed are writing as usual about politics or education policy or something important, the women are quiet this week. They are busy getting ready for Christmas and Hannukah. They are fluffing pillows in the guest room. They are handing out Dunkin Donuts gift cards to school bus drivers and boxes of cookies for teachers; Aunt Jean in Florida got a box of oranges. Menus, shopping lists, stockings, chocolates, cards, travel plans — the whole season is a massive amount of work.
Some women approach the holiday season like Melania Trump and others like Martha Stewart. Neither option is truly attainable.
Team Melania
“Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue.”
Bizarrely, MAGA installed Zsa Zsa Gabor, not Martha Stewart, as the country’s first lady. A populist movement that calls upon traditional values, God, and guns now has the least down-home girl ever in the White House. I doubt that Melania can make toast.
Outside of rare occasions, Melania has avoided the stage and political performance. Hilary Clinton wasn’t a homemaker, but she was pressured to care about cookie baking and homemaking, even posing in 1993 for the New York Times in front of a dining room table. Melania doesn’t pretend or apologize. She never uses feminism as an excuse for not baking cookies because Melania doesn’t want a career either. She’s a rich lady, and that’s enough for her.
Remarkably, the MAGA folks don’t care about Melania’s lack of interest in home life. You would think that a movement that champions traditional values would want the Queen of MAGA to be prepping dinner in a flouncy apron. On X, we don’t hear much about Melania from Trump’s supporters beyond a periodic comment about her beauty.
Melania’s lack of kitchen-know-how is not problematic for Trump’s supporters because MAGA is more of an aspirational lifestyle than a true populist movement. In Palm Springs Land, Melania has the Mar-a-Lago staff prepare the Christmas roast while she sips champagne and nibbles on a carrot. The dudes — Musk, Ramaswamy, JFK Jr., and the big Donald himself— command all the attention so the ladies can do whatever ladies do.
Martha, Martha, Martha
Martha Stewart, the Queen of Over-Doing Everything, would be the anti-Melania. I admit that I got sucked into the Martha mania in the 90s. I subscribed to her magazine, bought her paint and sheets at Kmart, and used her Weddings magazine as a model for my wedding in 1997. I had the local florist recreate a cheaper version of the floral bouquet from a Hamptons wedding featured in her glossy magazine.
I love the Netflix documentary about her, even if she doesn’t like it. It delves into Martha’s history, including her time in federal prison for doing some stock market monkey business. After losing three-quarters of her wealth during that setback, she’s back on the morning news shows sharing recipes for eggnog and pies. She’s hanging out with Snoop and creating a line of CBD gummies.
Stewart’s aspirational lifestyle led to copycats like GOOP and Pioneer Woman. Meghan Markle is reportedly working with Netflix to create a new domestic goddess lifestyle brand. Instagram has also birthed a new brand of homemakers, called trad-wives, by reporters who openly hate them.
Queen of the trad-wives is the enormously popular Hannah Neeleman, who makes her homemade cheese, bread, and pretty much everything while birthing nine children and winning beauty pageants. Along with 10 million followers, I’m a fan of her Instagram account. If you want to get sucked down the rabbit hole of trad-wife politics, check out the raw milk dress controversy.
Reality
Melania and Martha are the figureheads of aspirational lifestyles, which are out of reach for mere mortals.
In Martha’s case, her lifestyle is both time-consuming and expensive. While Martha made a hugely profitable business around creating picture-perfect meals, there can be only one Martha. For most women, emulating her recipes and guides to suburban living comes at the expense of a career, hobbies, and an exercise routine. It’s simply not possible to spend a week cooking a banquet for twenty and devote time to anything else useful.
Melania’s “fuck you” attitude towards Christmas is only possible for those with access to the entire staff of a golf resort to produce food and gifts for others. Children and other family members expect a tree and food and Santa crap. As much as we fantasize about saying “fuck it” to the whole thing and jetting off to Paris, it’s difficult to abandon your family.
This year, I’m part Melania and part Martha. I put my energy into cooking a nice meal on Christmas Eve but cut back on almost everything else. The most important thing is having everyone around the dinner table for a few hours. We’re not flying to Paris but taking a smaller escape later in January.
Merry and Happy
Hi Friends! Thank you for joining me here at Apartment 11D. I hope that you have a great meal with family and friends, quiet time away from work, or some uninterrupted time watching Netflix. I’m gone until next week unless something really good happens.
