When Motherhood Ends

When One Identity Closes the Door, Another One Opens the Window

I was ushered into the halls of motherhood on a brutal, bloody morning in June 1999— eighteen hours in labor, an emergency C-section, and a six-hour operation to reconstruct my bladder, which was shredded during the first operation by a young doctor at the teaching hospital.

I wasn’t quite prepared for my childbirth difficulties. Descending from peasants who squatted down in the field to pop out their tenth child, I assumed my kids would also slide out. I never read the C-Section chapter in the childbirth manuals. However, nothing about motherhood was easy for me, even after childbirth scars healed.

I struggled to combine a career with raising kids. When the second one didn’t hit his speech milestones at age two, I had to fight to support his needs at school and in the community. Self-flagellation over parenting errors in the past never ends. While most of my experiences as a mom was great — I have tens of thousands of pictures of my boys on my computer — I did sometimes envy the freedom of my child-free friends.

Because of his neurological differences, my son will celebrate his 21st birthday at Harry Potter Land with his parents this Sunday, rather than doing shots with frat brothers. Ian is rather indifferent about his upcoming adulthood and his untraditional path in life. Really, it’s me, who is having all the emotions.

On Sunday, I will no longer be a parent of children. As a parent of adults, my responsibilities are lighter. My day doesn’t revolve around their needs. My week isn’t planned around soccer matches and school holidays. They do their own laundry and put their dishes in the dishwasher. [Steve: Sometimes.]

Even my special needs kid needs me less. He’s thriving in college and currently using his birthday gift cards to buy components to build his own computer. I set up various government supports to help him reach his goals, which include a job at the Geek Squad and a date with the cute Aspie girl in his social skills group.

With this change on the horizon, I’ve been thinking about doing an exit interview on motherhood. What worked? What didn’t? Would I do it again? My boys are the best, so no changes there. But should I have done it differently, maybe with more career, less day-to-day involvement? I could have accepted higher level positions with bigger salaries and responsibilities, but I’m not sure I would have been able to accept the sacrifices. I think I played the cards the best that I could.

While my identity was a mother is ebbing, other identities are emerging. I have more time to write and get involved in community affairs. I’m building a small business. I’m reconnecting with friends for dinner and art openings. Steve and I are going to Italy this summer; Ian is joining us on the trip as a low-maintenance companion, and not like a kid who needs an entire suitcase just for his trains.

Motherhood was good, but now it’s done, and I’m okay with that. When we arrive in Orlando tomorrow evening, the three of us are heading to the bar.

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LINKS

Picture: The cool guys who built Voorhees State park in Jersey for the WPA. We explored on a bike trip last weekend.

Easter dinner.

I’m impressed with the early research on the effectiveness of the Core Knowledge Curriculum, based on the ideas and research of E. D. Hirsch. Because it’s really important that kids learn stuff in school. Crazy that I have to say that.

Because Ian is turning 21, I had a ton of paperwork to complete this week to get him into the state system for disability. He’s too high functioning to qualify for too much support, but every little bit helps.

Royal Gossip: No Meghan, Just Harry at the coronation.

"Yeah, we should do better on education. I talked to a girl about a month ago who’s got a college education. We were talking about Pearl Harbor. And she actually stood there and asked us who was Pearl." New York Times

Watching: Succession [OMG, so well done], Lucky Hank

National Poll Finds Overwhelming Support Among Black Teachers & Parents for ESAs — Support from 79% of Black teachers and 70% of Black parents point to post-pandemic era in favor of school choice

Tennessee law could hold back thousands of third graders in bid to help kids recover from the pandemic

Rutgers adjuncts are striking. Rutgers has to stop relying on low paid adjuncts to teach its undergrad, liberal arts classes. The majority of my son’s first two years of classes were taught by low wage, transient profs who would open complain about wages in the middle of class. During his first semester, one adjunct was fired in the middle of semester. So disruptive!

Here’s more information on adjunct labor:

Who's Teaching College?

I have mixed feelings about the new curved sofa trend.

Free tuition at Boston’s community colleges. Good news.

Okay, that’s it, folks. I’ve got to throw some bathing suits in a suitcase and get a mani/pedi before my flight. Back next week!